


Night Vale Founders' Day

by JDNiemand



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-17
Updated: 2014-03-17
Packaged: 2018-01-16 01:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1326511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JDNiemand/pseuds/JDNiemand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Founders' Day in Night Vale, and Cecil is there to report on the mandatory parade! Plus, a new Burger King opens, a message from the Sheriff's Secret Police, and a look at the Community Calendar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Vale Founders' Day

Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the shadowy creature that is dragging you there in its filthy claws. Welcome to Night Vale. 

 

Good morning, listeners! And what a fabulous morning it is too, because as we all know, it’s Founders’ Day! Yes, the anniversary of the day the City Council first established the town that would become Night Vale. I’m reporting live from our outside broadcast van today, because soon it will be time for the Founders’ Day Parade! Of course, as parade attendance is mandatory, I’m not sure just who will be listening to the show, but for anyone who is at home following along on their radios, good luck with your inevitable arrest and re-education!

 

And now, to other news. A new Burger King has opened in Night Vale, on the site of that old Chinese seafood restaurant that was destroyed in the Incident in June 2005. You know the one. Nearby residents were surprised to learn of its construction, particularly considering that it was never actually under construction - it just sort of grew from the ground overnight like a giant mushroom. Already the local neighbourhood association is condemning the new fast food outlet. “It’s just another one of those soulless corporate establishments - and not the good kind,” said association chairman Philbert Hannigan. “Mark my words, it’ll drive down property prices and attract the worst kind of riff-raff, like tourists and those large eyeless bat-winged creatures that are already there, manning the counters and screeching at anyone who enters. I sure don’t want eyeless bat-winged creatures in my neighbourhood - do you?” Mr Hannigan was then pursued down the street by a group of said eyeless bat-winged creatures, screeching and slashing at him with vicious, blood-soaked talons. Meanwhile, I’ve been informed that anyone who visits Burger King today gets a free flame-grilled Whopper! Delicious.

 

Listeners, the Founders’ Day parade has just begun! Oh, this is so exciting! Leading the parade is of course the traditional city council float, this year with the theme “Your Night Vale City Council. We Are Always Watching You. _Always_.” I must say, the way they have outfitted the float with those enormous unblinking eyes, constantly swivelling and rolling in their sockets to survey the crowd, is really impressive. You just have to admire the effort they’ve put in for both our parade and our town. The City Council is waving to everyone from atop the float, and - yes, they are waving to themselves as well, sitting up on their gilded thrones levitating ten feet above City Hall. Being in two places at once must be hard for them on the quietest of days, let alone this one. Well done, City Council. Well done.

 

Let’s take a look at our community calendar. The Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex is holding its grand re-opening tomorrow following a major refurbishment. Owner Teddy Williams says the pin removal area of lane five has been completely bricked up, so no more invading armies from the tiny underground city can march into Night Vale. “I really don’t know why I didn’t just do this sooner,” he said. “Customers getting set upon by angry miniature conquistadors was really cutting into my business.” He has also installed some new arcade cabinets including classic favourite, Pac-Man! And for the grand re-opening, all game tokens are 50 percent off.

From Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records has announced the store is going completely digital. “CDs and vinyls and tapes are just _soooo_ last century,” said owner Michelle Wynn. From now on, all Dark Owl music products will be sold entirely in mp3 form. As the store has no website, or storage media, or computers, we’ve been unable to find out just exactly how they plan to do that, but we’ll keep you posted.

On Tuesday, the Night Vale Public Library will be burned to the ground. Again.

Thursday evening is the Night Vale High School Class of 2009’s five year reunion. As the class of 2009 were all ritually disembowelled at their graduation ceremony to christen the new gymnasium, attendance is expected to be low. Nonetheless, there will be punch and a buffet table, a reunion photo, speeches from the faculty, and a waltz to the Night Vale High School song, “These Hallowed Non-Euclidean Halls”.

Friday marks the beginning of the Night Vale SPCA’s annual adoption drive. “It’s truly sad to see all these adorable animals locked up in tiny cages,” said one spokesman from within his heavily padded kevlar animal attack suit. “Just look at little Snuffles here. Snuffles should be with a good loving family, like all spiderwolf cubs.” Snuffles then brutally savaged the spokesman’s regrettably unprotected neck before turning on our reporter. To the family of Intern Hannah, our condolence gift basket should arrive in the mail tomorrow.

And finally, next Saturday, nothing unusual will happen whatsoever. Do not go outside, or look out of your windows. Just stay indoors and watch government-approved television. Seriously. Nothing in the least bit interesting or terrifying or in gross violation of international law will occur.

 

The parade is well underway, and now here comes the Night Vale Community College marching band, playing a special salute to outgoing mayor Pamela Winchell. The marching band is of course an inspiring tale of acceptance, inclusivity and the can-do spirit that so characterises our community. Its band director, Rita la Rosa, had a vision of a marching band made up entirely of tone-deaf amputees - and I think we can all agree that it’s been a resounding success. Let’s have a listen, shall we?

  _[HORRIBLE BLARING CACOPHONY]_

 

The Night Vale Girl Scouts are selling their delicious cookies again! Yes, soon there’ll be smiling little angels - the metaphorical kind, not the kind that doesn’t exist and we should never think of - outside your favourite shopping establishment, carrying pallets piled high with Thin Mints and Peanut Butter Patties and of course Squid Crumbles. It goes without saying that all cookies are guaranteed to be completely free of wheat and wheat by-products. According to people who’ve bought from the Girl Scouts already, they’ve introduced a new variety this year. It doesn’t have a name, it just sort of comes in these plain black packages with COOKIES written on them - but all who’ve tried it agree, there’s nothing quite like frothing at the mouth and vividly reliving memories you never knew you had! So support our local Girl Scouts - with your help, these little girls could be the entrepreneurs and occultists of the future.

 

Up next in the Founders’ Day parade is… _[wearily]_ ...the StrexCorp float. And what a wonderful float it is, covered in suns and smiling people and dancing StrexPets. How fortunate we all are to have such a fantastic company servicing all our needs, with such caring employees, like my program director Lauren, who is sitting right next to me. And it’s just great to have a neighbouring town like… like… _[muffled whispers; Cecil continues through gritted teeth]_ ...like Desert Bluffs. Now there’s the community of tomorrow… today.

 

 _[normally]_ The Sheriff’s Secret Police have issued an arrest warrant for a Mister James Newton, who they say has committed absolutely no crimes at all, and expressed no intention to do so in the future. “It’s really suspicious,” one secret police officer said from inside a trash can on a street corner we legally cannot disclose. “I mean, the guy is just so _not_ suspicious. He hasn’t killed anyone, or stolen anything, or flouted any City Council edicts - even the ones that contradict one another. He hasn’t even pirated any movies. Not even on his designated astrological Crime Days! Like, he’s clearly up to something, right?” The Secret Police are giving two Alert Citizen points for any information leading to Mister Newton’s arrest. They warn not to confront Newton yourself, as he is considered unarmed and not in the least bit dangerous.

 

And now, a word from our sponsor. You are in pain. You are in peril. You are writhing in agony in a pit of green flame, as a giant face stares emotionlessly down at you. You are plummeting into darkness, as your own insane laughter echoes in your ears. You are staring at unmoving people under the glowing violet gaze of a giant spider. You are shivering in bitter cold as a mass of blinding white rushes forward to engulf you. You are alone. You are helpless. You are powerless. Xbox One. All for one. Input one.

 

Here comes the float celebrating Night Vale’s rich and storied bloodstone industry. Apparently it required a literal miracle to get this one past the StrexCorp management, who - oh, listeners, look who’s just showed up! Carlos, I thought you were going to be on your science float!

“Cecil, there’s no time to explain. We need to stop the parade right now.”

What are you talking about? Is it going to rain, or-

_[HIDEOUS SCREECH, CROWD SCREAMING]_

“Oh God, it’s starting! Cecil, get the crowd out of the street! I’ll go take it down!”

Carlos, wait, I- listeners, I apologise, but I have to go after him. I’ll leave you with - the [weather!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3JjlkfX5Gk) _  
_

Well, listeners, there’s really only one way to describe this year’s Founders’ Day parade: an unqualified success! Yes, my beloved Carlos did ruin the float celebrating Night Vale’s famous tentacled monstrosities, after it only got to eat three people, but the City Council has decided to pardon him because his battle with the float was really entertaining - and, may I say, the pardon did come with a little help from a certain community radio presenter. Don’t worry, everyone, I’ll give him a good talking-to later.

As the sun sets over the pools of blood and still-burning debris, I can’t help but feel a sense of civic pride at today’s wonderful celebration of our humble town and its history. Truly, this will be a Founders’ Day to remember. Well done, Night Vale. I salute you.

Stay tuned next for Octopus’s Garden by the Beatles, played on repeat at full volume for seven hours. And as always, good night, Night Vale. Good night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor, and produced by Joseph Fink. This fanfic was written by JD Niemand, who has no affiliation with Welcome to Night Vale or Commonplace Books, though he’d really like to.
> 
> Today's weather was The General, by Dispatch. Find their music at <http://www.dispatchmusic.com/>.  
> Check out <http://www.welcometonightvale.com> for more information on the actual show, as well as all sorts of cool Night Vale stuff you can own. And while you’re there, consider clicking the Donate link. That’d be cool of you.
> 
> Today’s proverb: A bird in the hand is worth a lot of money to the right buyer.


End file.
